Q & A: How Do You Forgive?

Q: hi! Mr. Duncan, I think I’m at the right place at the right time. I told myself that I will learn how to forgive myself and other people and live in peace with them. But it is so hard and I don’t know what to do anymore. —Doreen, South Africa

Doreen, the first thing you want to understand is that there is a difference between forgiveness and healing.

Duncan Nugget® #362: 
Forgiveness is a choice. Healing is a process. 

When you or someone close to you has done something to hurt you, it’s extremely difficult to begin the healing process until you muster up the strength to forgive the person.

I know, I know. He (or she) did you dirty, so why should you let him off the hook, right? Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook. It’s about giving yourself the freedom to move on to a better place in your life. Think about it.

When my father first beat his addiction to crack cocaine, I wasn’t jumping for joy.

I was enraged. I was disappointed and I was still hurt. The sad thing is that he had forgiven himself and gotten his life back together. I was the one stuck. But once I forgave him, the healing process began.

If you get stung by a bee, you gotta get the stinger out. Otherwise the wound won’t heal properly. It’ll probably become infected. If someone has stung you (or if you’ve stung yourself), forgiving is like getting the stinger out.

You don’t have tell the other person you’ve forgiven him or her unless you want to. After all, nobody bothers to say to the bee, “I got your stinger out.” You are doing this for you.

Million-Dollar Question: 
Are you truly ready to begin the healing process?

If so, then whether you are forgiving yourself or someone else, the only thing you need to do is say to yourself:

“I forgive you.”

Say it until you mean it and then let the healing begin. If you want to talk to a friend about it, that’s cool. Sometimes it’s easier that way.

(If this is an extreme situation and you need some professional help then get it.)

You started off by saying that you think you are in the right place at the right time. You are absolutely right. It’s the right place and time to forgive yourself and others so that you can get on with your life.

Get back to me sometime and let me know how things are going.

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